Christmas cards

I bake our Christmas cookies

using a sifter left behind

in a house now gone.

I'm not sure, but I think 

it was my ex-husband's brother's wife's mother.

That is, Patrick's brother Joe's wife Rachel's mother Deanne.

Who brought it to a baby shower. 

For a baby I haven't seen in a year 

who perhaps (I hope, I hope) still calls me Auntie.

I could leave this at goodwill, buy a new one for five dollars

But some things are irreplaceable. 

No point in even trying. 

So the Christmas cards. 

I planned to send them to all my former in-laws last year but I couldn't. 

Everything about it was trickier than I thought.

I used a picture of the three of us on the cards for my friends, but I didn't want to assume the former in-laws would want a picture of me. I finally ordered some of just the boys but I didn't like how they turned out. I had some extra copies of some professional pictures of the boys made that I wanted to send. But I was paralyzed with grief and sadness, so after the friends cards, nothing more went out.

This year, I am better. I've made 100 cards with a picture of the boys at Thanksgiving. There are enough for all my friends and all my family and all my former in-laws.

I am sending them early. On the back of the envelope is my new address. I think part of this is seeing who will send me a card back. So I'm sending the in-law and former-friend cards first.

I have addressed a few. I might have to do this in bits and pieces. It is still really painful. My chest is heavy like a brick and aches as I write the addresses where once I was family.

To my brother and sister in law, who thank god still count me as family, I write See you soon? I hope so. Love you all.

To the rest, who haven't been in touch, I write, Merry Christmas. And then Love you, miss you, hope all is well. The words seems meek and hopeful. I feel as vulnerable as I ever have in my life. So I don't send them after all.